When Is "For Better or Worse" Not Really True in Marriage?
Du
27.05.2022
au
29.05.2022
Lieu
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When I said my marriage vows, I was actually pretty disappointed that the priest didn’t drop the lines that I had heard in every romantic movie ever watched over every sappy evening I had spent alone during my entire single life.
You know the ones, right? That go a little something like, “In richness and poor, in sickness and health, for better or for worse, for as long as you both shall live?”
Yeah, those ones. I was disappointed I didn’t get to hear them at our hour-long Catholic ceremony, nor did I get to enjoy the famous, “You may now kiss the bride!” But those words are still held as the oldest marriage adage in the book. Those words are recited over many a nervous bride and groom, hands clasped with whispered giggles primarily because they are, in many ways, totally true.
Marriage is not all roses and butterflies, buttercream frosting and photo booth smiles. It sucks a lot, it’s awesome a lot, you make out a lot, and then find yourself seething in the bathroom because the sight of your husband’s crumpled underwear on the floor will make you honest to God feel like punching something.
But I am fascinated by those words because despite our vow to see marriage “through better or for worse,” obviously there comes a point in about 50% of marriages when that “worse” is too much.
Marriage, by definition, means some degree of self-sacrifice. That’s kind of the point, actually. But although the whole “for better or for worse” thing is nice in theory, does it really mean that marriage is always, always worth sticking through? Or that you even should?
After the whole Josh Duggar scandal came to light (the second one, to clarify), I wondered what Anna could do if she decided to leave her husband. In my mind, if she decided to get a divorce, going against a culture and a religion that has indoctrinated in her that wifedom + motherhood are her ultimate crowning, she would show an incredible amount of strength. I have no opinion, obviously, on whether or not she should divorce her husband because I’m not married to the man, thank goodness, but I do think that for her specifically, divorce would be especially hard.
But as these things go, not everyone agreed with me.
Mo Isom, a religious blogger and former college athlete, argued that the true strength of a woman like Anna is fighting for her marriage rather than taking the easy way out through divorce. “I look forward to the day that immediately standing up and stepping out of a marriage isn’t seen as the strongest thing to do, but rather, that we would rally around those who fall to their knees and seek strength from the King who they vowed their marriage to,” she wrote on her website.
I definitely see her point and I agree; you simply don’t know what strength looks like, especially in such a personal relationship like marriage. One woman’s strength in marriage doesn’t necessarily look like another’s. And I don’t think anyone could say that any path a woman like Anna would take — leaving or staying — would ever be easy, but either way you slice it, it’s an interesting question.
Should you stay or should you go? Marriage is a unique covenant between two people because it at once asks us to be a permeable part of a partnership that defines, strengthens, and upholds us, but also to retain some part of our own identity, because we know that you just can’t rely on one person to make you happy. You have to be both whole on your own and whole together.
Actually now that I think about it, it almost seems impossible.
Because even though I may tell myself I am a fulfilled, happy individual on my own and that I have to be able to love myself fully and if I am religious, be completely fulfilled by God first before I look to my husband for that, our relationship is still a part of that. So any struggles he has, whether drug addiction, cheating, or even depression, become my struggles and affect my well-being too. It’s the way it works.
Monica Bielanko, who has detailed her divorce to her ex-husband, Serge, points out that it’s actually a pretty simple equation. Marriage doesn’t have to equal misery. As she told me:
“Why all the struggle to make things work? Marriage shouldn’t be years and years of grueling awfulness. For what? To say you’ve been married for many miserable years? Life is short. If you’ve done all you can do, if you’ve tried your hardest and stuff just isn’t working because human beings naturally grow and change, then do something to fix that situation and if that something is divorce, so be it.”
In a “self-care” culture, we know that taking care of ourselves first starts a good flow chart of being able to care for all of the other important relationships in our life: our children, our family, our jobs, our clients, and of course, our marriage. But life isn’t a fairytale and there are hard parts of marriage, personal demons and struggles that might just lead to a breaking point for many partners in a marriage.
I guess what I’m saying is that I believe in marriage, but I also believe in divorce.
Because at the end of the day, I do believe that people have the right to choose themselves first, instead of marriage, and to choose happiness. And there are situations and circumstances that we just can’t judge. If marriage at the cost of everything else is your value, then I think it can be done. If choosing to end a marriage that is damaging, abusive, or otherwise harming you or your children more than anything else is what’s right for you, then I think all we can do is give women permission to make the choice that works best for them.
Marriage is about two people choosing each other. And that just won’t work if there’s only one person at the end of the day doing all of the work.
